Nipple Guy Gets Creepy

An update to this morning’s post.

Despite the volume dating I’ve been doing these past few months, I have not really encountered anyone creepy.  Slightly inappropriate, perhaps.  Somewhat forward, definitely.  Lots of guys who I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with, a few I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of dinner with, and a few I thought might have long term potential.  Never, until today, have I felt that a guy had a screw loose and made me a little worried.

Until today, people.  Until today.

This morning, I found a guy that seemed like halfway decent material on Plenty of Fish.  It has since been suggested that, it being a free site, you get what you pay for.  But I’ve actually met guys on there of just about the same caliber as I did on eHarmony, which walloped me with a $30 a month fee and, for the most part, underwhelmed me.  This guy was handsome, 48 years old (old enough to know better, in other words), and could string together a sentence in decent English.  He wrote sweet things on his profile.  And I bit.

For a full account of what transpired this morning, see Yet Another Lesson in Getting My Hopes Up.

We left the story off at the comment he made about his nipples being so hard he could cut glass with them and me deleting him from my phone.

Two hours after that, I get another text.  By this point I’m in the city on my way to an appointment and I’ve seriously got better things to do.  The text says, “So, did you eat pizza?”  For those of you scoring at home, he had made a kind of gross pimple comment earlier, and this was a reference to that.  I know, because I had already told him I was having Chinese.

“Ha, ha,” I wrote back.

“I’m going to miss you,” he writes.  Kind of a little like he’s planning on chopping me up into little pieces and feeding me to his gerbil, but he’s really, really sorry he’s going to have to do that.  I’m sure he can’t find me just by my cell phone number (can he?), but it worries me when I remember that earlier he texted, “Want to know a secret?  We both have our cell phones through AT&T.”  Yuck, Creepy Nipple Guy, how do you know that?

Just to make him stop and not throw me off my game before my meeting, I write, “What do you mean?”  Honestly, I don’t know what to write, but not answering isn’t stopping him.

An hour later, he texts, “I just farted.”  (I promise you I am not making this up.  I have saved the second round of texts in case the detectives investigating my disappearance want to find this guy).

I reply, “Wow, extremely clever.  I reached out to you in good faith.  If you’re not interested, can you just leave me alone?  I really don’t deserve this.”

An hour later he wrote, “Maria, let’s not break up, okay?”

Cut to shot of me Googling how to block someone from texting you.   (Side note: if anyone knows, definitely pass the info on).

The obvious lesson to learn here is that the world is full of nuts and finding a good guy is hard.  I know I have certainly had a lot of those thoughts myself, and the dating scene is full of advice for 40-something women telling us that it’s more likely we’ll get abducted by terrorists than to find a special someone, that all the good ones are taken, that all that are left are the nuts.  And, certainly, when you find a creep like this one, it would be easy to succumb to the thought.

But I refuse.

So, Creepy Nipple Guy, well-meaning old lady at the grocery store who tells me to give it up and be happy I at least have my kids, married friends who tell me that being single isn’t so bad (it actually isn’t, but that’s not the point), relatives who tell me maybe I should have stayed with the husband who cheated because it’s a cold, dark world out there, this one’s for you:  I believe in love despite the Creepy Nipple Guys of the world.  I believe my true soul mate is in my future, not in my past.  I believe that one wonderful guy will appreciate all I have to give, and I fervently believe he’s out there, looking for me, just like I’m looking for him.  (Honey, come home).  And I believe I’m going to find him if I have to go through every Creepy Nipple Guy on the planet to get to him.

And I believe Creepy Nipple Guy probably needs to get reported to the authorities.  Stay tuned.